Showdown: Who I Was versus Who I Know I Am Now | MomsGetReal

View from the Dragonfly?s Back

MomsGetReal Soulfeeder Chris Wilcox

Dragonfly fossil, NPS.gov

I spent the last week in Boise, ID ? which is also where I spent my life from December 26, 1992 to December 24, 2011. Most of my dearest friends are there. We celebrated my birthday, I spent time with my sister, I worked my proverbial (but not physical) butt off and I found my psyche wanting to get sucked back into a vortex of Who I Was.? Which is not Who I Know I Am Now.

It?s interesting to have a front row seat for an apparent split-personality moment when your own brain is saying, ?But Chris, that?s not who you are anymore.? But they were? ? my old habits, fossilized.

So ? here?s a little background.

When I moved to Boise, my only friend there was my fianc? (who became my ex-husband eventually) and I was a shy girl with a quick wit that I shared with a very small circle, self-deprecating to the core and the first to make the sarcastic comment. My family knew me as The Screaming Child Attractor because of my self-proclaimed disdain for non-quiet, ill-behaved children.? I had an ugly view of the world because, in all honesty, I had an ugly view of myself. I don?t know if I was in love when I married my ex, but I know that I definitely wasn?t in love when it was finally over ? and I know it?s because I wasn?t in love with myself either.

One more ex-husband and 6 years of being single later, I felt stronger. I felt like I knew myself after a few years of studying and self-journeying, and I felt like I had to leave to grow. So I held 3 garage sales, filled a Penske truck with all that was left of my belongings, put my dogs in the car and, with the endorsement of the amazing company I work for, left for our Fort Worth office to work. I set up a new home in Texas and felt my roots grow quickly because I wanted them to.

I learned a very important thing about myself about three months into my time here. Wherever you go, there you are. And the issues I thought I had overcome were still waiting patiently for my attention. As one of my friends pointed out last week, I was my only company.? And I had only myself and time to answer the question, ?what the hell am I doing in Texas??

As you probably know, the location had nothing to do with it, but Texas became a safe place to ask myself other questions that I couldn?t find my way through to ask myself when I was surrounded by the environment that created them. The top one was ?why do I feel unworthy of any love ? even my own??

I?ve spent a lot of time untying that net of worthlessness that I?ve trapped myself up in for decades. I have been weaving it into a new net that?s a healing space for myself. I visualize every thought as a thread, and while some of the thought threads were glowing with light ? like ?I have a good heart and I know how to be a good friend now,? others needed recycling, like ?I?m a socially awkward, babbling idiot ? no wonder I can?t get a date.?? It was a process to get to the point where I could recognize the threads that needed recycling from the ones that needed to be replicated and applied to other places in my thoughts (more on that later), but I found to my fascination that simply being in old places made the recycled pieces of that net attract tar.? And I nearly got stuck in it.

I know that triggers are real, but I?ve never had a front row seat for mine in a way that I did last week.? I found myself second-guessing myself more, and reacting from a space that was full of ego ? if being aware of it is half the battle then at least I have a good sword in my hand.? As the week drew to a close I found that I was able to let the thoughts come up and honor that I was able to see them for what they are and let them go. It was a fight to get there, though.

I recognized, at the end of it all and with a little help from my friends, it was a fight for me.? And I was worthy of winning it.

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Source: http://momsgetreal.com/2013/02/showdown-who-i-was-versus-who-i-know-i-am-now/

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